Self-Love and Compassion

As I sit here on my bed on a Monday night contemplating this week's theme, self-love and compassion. I find myself thinking about everyone else but me. My first thought was about compassion and my lack of it for my son tonight as we were trying to get the boys to sleep. I will often lay with Bruin and my husband will lay with Lukas. But tonight, Lukas wanted his mom. So, I obliged. I don’t ever want him to feel left out. Which I know can happen with Bruin being 3 and always wanting me. I usually think about cloning myself. If only I could split in two and lay with them at the same time… 

My boys in their cool room

But alas I can’t and tonight Bruin wasn’t having it. I could hear my husband getting annoyed that he wouldn't stay in bed. So being the peacekeeper I am, I tried to ask Bruin to get in bed, then I tried to tell him, then I had to physically put him in bed at which point I was yelling. It never feels good, and I always feel desperate to be heard when I yell. The guilt was immediate, like a cold wash over my body. I knew I had lost my temper, when I should have been calm and patient. #overstimulatedmom.

Yelling… a trait I learned from my parents. It was used for compliance. It instilled a fear in me at a young age to listen to authority. To be afraid of making mistakes. I lived in fear of failure for most of my life. Not realizing that my anxieties held me paralyzed from decision making. Plus, the fact that being afraid of failure was preventing me from growing. From achieving the tall order of dreams, I had set out as a kid for myself. 

I love my children, and I want better for them. I want them to wake up at 36 years old and know that it's ok to make mistakes. That we are only human and far from perfect. That the whole point of this beautiful human experience is to make those mistakes. To learn lessons and grow from them. 

I want my boys to take risks, to go against the grain, to do good in the world. To think critically and outside the box. I don’t want them to feel trapped in their own mind and afraid to take the next step forward. 

What I’m choosing tonight is compassion for myself and for my boys. I’m choosing to be kind to myself. To realize that I didn’t have the skills taught to me at a young age. That I’m an adult trying to navigate these feelings while also raising and teaching my own children. Growth means realizing that none of this is anyone's fault. Especially not my parents. It's my own burden to bear and it's my burden to change for future generations. 

I’ll leave you with this quote from Martin Luther King, Jr. It’s on us to make the first step towards change. I’m learning to love myself for me and for my kids.

“You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step."

 - Martin Luther King, Jr.

Love and Light <3

Jen

I've come a long way...

My life has always felt like a roller coaster in many ways, with numerous ups and downs. However, everything had its purpose to teach me something. It's only now that I truly grasp the meaning of that and how to appreciate it. I had reached a point where I despised the decisions I made or felt compelled to make.

I believed that with different information, I would have made different choices. While that might be true, it doesn't change the fact that things had to happen as they did for me to become the person I am today.

I am growing and learning every day, and now, instead of viewing my life and past as a roller coaster, I see it as a steady stream of events, all of which I am extremely grateful for.

Growing every day and can't wait to see what the future holds.

Riding this wave called life. Love you all.

Love,

Jen